The True Tale of the Lord of the Rings
by WesternElf
Summary: I was inspired to write this because I couldn't find any clean, acceptable LOTR spoofs! I hope everyone enjoys this - it spun from my rather odd mind and so far everyone has loved it
1. Chapter 1

**The True Tale of the****Lord of the Rings**

Brought to light by

Mirriam Neal

_Part One: The Fellowship of the Ring_

WARNING: This is a mixture of the movies and the books. I do not own any of the characters. If you have no sense of humor, you probably won't want to read this. Actually, I advise against it as it may result in hysteria, split ribs, and/or fainting.

**Scene One: Gandalf Arrives at Hobbiton**

**(Scene opens. Frodo is secretly putting in a new pair of contacts. He doesn't want anyone to know that the color of his eyes is really brown.)**

Gandalf: The road goes ever on and on, until you fall right off a cliff and then your bones are crushed to dust, hmm hmmmm hmm-hmm-hmm….

Frodo: *quickly pops in last contact and runs out to meet the wizard* You're, like, really late.

Gandalf: *splutters* That's impossible! Wizards are almost never late!

Frodo: *sticks his Rolex in front of Gandalf's nose* You're the 'almost! It says so! *taps watch face*

Gandalf: *scowls* Why do I keep visiting you hobbits?

Frodo: Because of me, naturally.

Gandalf: HAH! You WISH! It's probably Bilbo. He was always a very pleasant hobbit.

Frodo: *jumps into wagon, uninvited* Well, then, you'll be glad to know that he's up to something.

Gandalf: Oh?

Frodo: Yeah. Just wait and see.

**Later, at Bilbo's Birthday Party**

Bilbo: My dear Nosepickers and Stinkyfoots! *from somewhere comes the call of "Stinky_feet_" which Bilbo ignores* Straightjackets and Stickyfingers, and all you other hobbits not sitting on a cushion! *appreciative roar from hobbits* Today is my thirtenty-threeth birthday, and thirtenty-three years is far too long – I mean SHORT! _Short_ a time to live among such infamous and unimaginative hobbits! I dislike more than half of you twice as much as you deserve, and I like less than half of you half as well as you should like!

Hobbits: *scattered clapping, some various boos and hisses*

Bilbo: So, without any ado, I have decided to take leave of you all and seek my old adventures once again! I - *trips and falls backwards off the stage*

Hobbits: *cheer and call for more food*

Bilbo: *limps back to Bag End, leaves the Ring for Frodo, and walks – still limping – into the night*

Frodo: *bursts in on Gandalf, sitting and staring, hypnotized at the flames* He's gone, isn't he?

Gandalf: *somber nod*

Frodo: *breaks into a boogie dance screaming 'YESSSSS!' at the top of his lungs, then stops* I mean, well, drat!

**Scene Two: The Ring**

**(Bilbo has left. Gandalf is explaining the Ring of Doom to Frodo.)**

Gandalf: Well, what do you think about that?

Frodo: *blinks* Huh? Oh, I'm sorry; I dozed off right around the part where you were telling about some… uh, magic nose rings being made?

Gandalf: AARRRRGGGHHH! Okay, there's a dark lord named Sauron bent on destroying Middle-earth with his armies of thousands and thousands of Orcs and Uruk-hai and the Nine Ringwraiths who are looking for the ring because Sauron wants it and you've got it, therefore you've got to take it the Last Homely House and give it to the elves.

Frodo: Why is the house homely? If it's made by elves, wouldn't it be pretty?

Gandalf: It's just a name. I don't know why they called it homely either. Anyway, there's your quest.

Frodo: Then I can come home, right?

Gandalf: *sighs* Right.

Frodo: Okay. Wait, I think I hear something outside! AAAUGH! IT'S A RINGWRAITHE! THEY'VE FOUND ME!

Gandalf: *jerks someone in through the window and reveals Sam* No, it's just Sam.

Sam: Don't hurt me! Please!

Gandalf: Okay, what'dja hear?

Sam: Everything.

Frodo: Everything?

Sam: Yup! I know more about it than you, Mr. Frodo - _**I**_ wasn't dozing off.

Gandalf: Okay, Sam, then YOU do it. Frodo will be your servant along the way.

Frodo: WHAT! But – but –

Sam: Oh, thank you, Mr. Wizard, sir!

Gandalf: Frodo, you'll carry the ring, since you're the servant. This is Sam's quest, now.

Frodo: *mumbles* All the good stuff happens to Sam.

**Scene Three: Bree**

**(Frodo and Sam have already met Merry and Pippin. They are now in the Prancing Pony at Bree.)**

Sam: That guy over there keeps staring at us. If he doesn't quit, I'll give him a frying panning he'll never forget!

Frodo: What's wrong with him looking at us? It's a free town… I think.

Sam: It's very suspicious.

Frodo: Huh? No, it isn't. Where's Pippin? *sees Pippin babbling everything about who Frodo really is, who his second cousins twice removed are, and his favorite baseball team* PIPPIN! SHUT UP! *gets up and runs over, then trips and falls and 'accidentally-on-purpose' puts the ring on* YIKES!

Sam: WHERE'D YOU GO!

Strange Guy in the Corner: *chokes on pipe smoke*

Frodo: *appears sitting at table as if nothing had happened, but it's the wrong table*

Strange Guy in the Corner: Hello. *grabs Frodo and hauls him upstairs* So you have the Ring of Doom! I knew somebody did! Well, I'd be more careful if I were you, because – *door bursts open revealing the other hobbits* Well, that's cute.

Frodo: *rolls eyes* So you're going with us or something? Because Gandalf's not here…

Strange Guy No Longer in Corner: Yeah, sure, I'd be glad to take you to Mount Doom. Don't worry, I know all about it. And you can call me Strider, Aragorn, Elessar, the Elf-stone, Rightful King of Gondor… whatever.

Frodo: I'll stick with Aragorn.

**Meanwhile, at Isengard…**

Saruman: I am no longer Saruman the White. I am Saruman of many colors!

Gandalf: You forgot to separate the whites again, didn't you?

**Back with the hobbits, Aragorn starts singing and Frodo asks him to please cut it out.**

**Scene Four: Weathertop**

**(Frodo has just awakened to the smell of to-MAH-toes and bacon.) **

Frodo: *jumps up* Yum! That smells GOOD! Oh, wait, I mean – What are you doing, you fools! Put it out! Put it out! *Frodo stamps on the fire* Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Ouch!

Pippin: Great. Hobbit hair on my tomahtoes. Thanks, Frodo.

_*an eerie screech drifts through the night air*_

Merry: That must be those funky guys in the ratty black cloaks.

Frodo: Yeah, probably. Either that or Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

Sam: Strider/Elessar/Aragorn/Elf-stone/Rightful King of Gondor left us each a sword which he just happened to have with him. They're hobbit-sized, too!

Pippin: Ooooh! Shiny! *yanks sword from sheath*

Merry: He gave Pippin something sharp! Is he mad!

Pippin: *squinting closely at elvish writing on the blade* It says… made… in… China…

Sam: *blinks* Where's China?

Frodo: OH NO! LOOK! The Five Funky Guys!

Five Funky Guys, also known as The Ringwraiths: *appear holding swords* We are here! Fear us! Shall we introduce ourselves before any further trouble?

Frodo: Uh… go ahead?

Lead Wraith: *clears throat* This is Tom, Dick, and Harry. The four that are not here are Larry, Bill, Bob, and Joe. And I am Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian. The Third.

Pippin: *falls over in a dead faint*

Frodo: Why do YOU get the long name, and they all have short ones?

Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: Mom liked me best.

Bob: She did NOT!

Dick: I second!

Tom: I third it!

Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: SHUT UP! We're supposed to be attacking!

Sam: Oh, yeah. *whips out sword as Merry helps Pippin to his feet* GET AWAY! *swipe swipe*

Tom: Hi-YAH! *trips over a rock and lands flat on his nonexistent face* OUCH! I told you, Reggie, not to get me these metal-toed shoes! They make me trip!

Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: HOW MANY TIMES DID MOM TELL YOU NOT TO CALLL ME REGGIE!

Tom: Uh, Ferdie?

Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: NO!

Tom: Sebbie? *blinks* Uh… Bastian?

Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: Why you little SWINE! I'll stove your head in!

Tom: *lower lip quivers* (This was before Wraith faces, but after lip quivers.)

Aragorn: *appears and waves fire in front of them*

Ringwraiths: AAAH! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! *hiking up their black robes, they all run away*  
Reginald Ferdinand Sebastian: *quickly scuttles back in, stabs Frodo in the leg, runs out*

Frodo: My LEG! It's supposed to be my SHOULDER! Now I'm going to have a LIMP! FOREVER!

Reginald: *voice faint* SOORRRRYYY!

**Scene Five: Arwen**

**(Arwen appeared and is riding with Frodo)**

Arwen: Noro lim, Asfaloth! Noro Lim!

Frodo: OWWW! MY LEG! And what in the world does 'noro leem' mean?

Arwen: Um, ride fast.

Frodo: Well, duh.

Arwen: *rolls eyes*

Frodo: Hey, look! Wraiths!

Arwen: Oh boy! HANG ON!

Frodo: Should I put my hands in the air?

Arwen: Not a good idea. *starts riding faster and faster and faster until they reach the river and gallop across it* If you want him, come an' get 'im! Come on! Come on, just _try!_

Ringwraiths: *look at each other* Okay! *charge across the river*

Arwen: *recites spell, water runs down and washes them away*

Ringwraiths: AAAAaaaaahhhhhhh!

Arwen: HAH! Showed them, huh, Frodo? Uh-oh, Frodo?

Frodo: *moans*

Arwen: Um… whatever you gave me, give him grace! No, I mean gracefully give me him! Um, spare me, but give him grace! AARGH! DADDY!

**Scene Six: Rivendell**

**(Frodo has just awoken Imladris.) **

Frodo: Ooooh, my head!

Gandalf: Your head? The wraith stabbed your leg!

Frodo: Yeah, but all that elvish.! *sighs and flops back onto pillow*

*_Seconds tick by*_

Frodo: *eyes slide over to Gandalf* Hey, when did you get here?

Gandalf: Sheesh, I was wondering when you were going to ask. Saruman, my EX friend, turned bad. He's with Sauron now.

Frodo: Bummer. Where's Sam?

Gandalf: He's around here somewhere. He pops in now and then to check up. I think he's looking for a chocolate bar in the fridge right now.

Frodo: *pouty look* Sure, HE gets the chocolate. HE'S not the one that got STABBED!

Sam: *walks in, mouth full of chocolate* Hey, Frrrdo! Gwad you're 'kay.

Frodo: Wow, thanks, Sam.

Sam: No probl'm.

Frodo: The LEAST you could have done is BROUGHT ME CHOCOLATE!

Sam: *blinks, digesting this bit of information, then swallows* Sorry.

Frodo: AAAUGGH!

**Scene Seven: Council of Elrond**

**(Everyone is seated in a circle. The elves unfairly outnumber any other race present, and Elrond has obviously been doing his eyebrow push-ups.)**

Elrond: The ring can't stay here. It's dangerous. Somebody's got to travel across Middle-earth through the dark, evil, orc-and-Uruk-hai-filled lands of Mordor and throw the ring into the fiery chasms of Mount Doom, all the while trying to make sure Sauron, who happens to be a huge eye, doesn't see you.

Council: *blinks several times*

Boromir: *stands up* Hey, why not just give it to me? I'll give it to Dad for Father's Day. He'll love it.

Legolas: No way!

Gimli: Ye Gads! It's a boy!

Legolas: *jumps up* HEY!

Gimli: Well, it's hard to tell with elves, you know.

Legolas: WHY YOU –

Aragorn: HAVO DAD! LEGOLAS! SIT! GOOD BOY!

Legolas: *thunks down into chair with a put out expression while Gimli chuckles*

Aragorn: Anyway, Boromir, that was a nice try, but I'm the rightful heir to Gondor. Sorry.

Boromir: But – but – but –

Aragorn: *shrugs* Not my fault.

Boromir: Sheesh.

Elrond: Hell-OOO? Guys? The ring? It's got to be destroyed.

Gimli: And why can't I just hit it with my ax?

Elrond: It won't work. Only the fires of Mount Doom, where the Ring was forged, can destroy it.

Gimli: Bummer. Real bummer.

Elves: *echoing* Yeah, real bummer.

Gimli: I've got an idea! Let's argue!

Elves: Yeah! *everyone starts fighting*

Frodo: I'll take it!

Everyone else: *too busy fighting to notice Frodo*

Frodo: *at the top of his lungs* HEY! I'm, like, trying to be all brave and noble here so would you old men stop fighting and LISTEN TO ME!

***everyone turns and looks at him***

Frodo: I _said,_ I'll take the ring! *heavy sigh* I brought it this far. *thinking* _Hah! Now it'll be MY quest again, not SAM'S! _

Sam: *pops out* Not without me, he ain't!

Merry: Me neither!

Pippin: Me, neither!

Elrond: All right. I need volunteers to take them, since they're so small. Aragorn, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, you go with them. Got it? Good! I give you all permission to desert Frodo whenever you like. Now get a good night's sleep because tomorrow, you d – uh, begin your journey! Good night, Fellowship!

**Scene Eight: The Beginning of the Journey**

**(They have been travelling for thirty minutes.)**

Gimli: Legolas, you twit! Step on the back of my boots one more time and I'll slap you!

Merry: Gandalf! Pippin's making faces at me!

Pippin: No, I'm not!

Boromir: Stupid northerners.

Frodo: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Gandalf: If you don't stop arguing I swear I'll turn this fellowship around RIGHT NOW!

***one hour later***

Frodo: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Gandalf: No.

Merry: Aragorn, Pippin's poking me!

Aragorn: Pippin, stop poking Merry.

Pippin: He started it!

Merry: No, I didn't!

Pippin: Yes, you did!

***two hours later***

Frodo: Are we there yet?

Gandalf: No.

Pippin: Can I have some trail mix now?

***three hours later***

Frodo: How about _now _are we there yet?

Gandalf: NO!

Legolas: Oh, shut up, Frodo.

Frodo: I was just asking…

Pippin: I hafta go to the bathroom!

Gandalf: Pippin! We just passed the last rest stop for thirty miles! I asked if anyone had to go and you all said _no!_

**Scene Nine: Moria**

Gandalf: Ah-HAH! Just as I thought!

Company: What?

Gandalf: A door!

Company: *blank stare*

Gandalf: Open, door! *nothing happens* I said OPEN, DOOR!

Aragorn: Uh, Gand –

Gandalf: SILENCE! DOOR! OPEN THYSELF! ….OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!

Aragorn: Open Sesame! *door doesn't budge* Well, there goes that idea.

_*they sit and think for eight hours*_

Gandalf: *whacks door with his staff in frustration, then gasps* Good heavens! Of course! The knob! *turns door knob and walks in*

Company: *blank stare*

**(The Balrog has just been sighted.)**

Gandalf: Oh dear. It is just as I feared – a Balrog.

Gimli: A big bug? Good grief, that's nothing to be afraid of! *doesn't see Legolas, who is practically in Aragorn's arms at the mention of a creepy-crawlie*

Gandalf: BALROG. Bal – _ROG_.

Gimli: Oh. Prepare for battle, then!

Legolas: *whips out mirror and checks hair* Ready!

Gandalf: *rolls eyes* I'M the only one who can deal with this fiery beast of death! The rest of you – run! I'll defend the bridge!

Aragorn: What bridge?

Gandalf: The bridge of Khaza-Dum!

Aragorn: Uh…

Gandalf: *points* Over there.

Aragorn: Sure you don't need help?

Gandalf: If you insi-

Aragorn: Okay, then! C'mon, guys!

_*everyone runs and crosses the bridge as Gandalf is fighting the Balrog*_

Boromir: *watching* He's gonna die.

Frodo: He is NOT!

Aragorn: *to Gimli* I'll give you eight to five the Balrog wins.

Gimli: Taken!

_*five minutes later, after Gandalf and the Balrog have fallen off the bridge due to not reading the sign that said 'Bridge May Ice In Winter'*_

Aragorn: *sticks hand out to Gimli* You owe me.

Boromir: I knew it.

**Scene Nine: Lothlorien**

**(They have just entered the Golden Wood.) **

Gimli: They say there's a witch in these woods. An ugly old hag that'll turn you into a rabbit.

Pippin: She WILL!

Gimli: Oh, yes. But she won't get me! I'll - *blinks at an arrowhead suddenly stuck in front of his nose* Oh.

Pippin: Quick, Merry! What's the elvish word for friend!

Haldir: Good grief, you guys make a racket!

Legolas: *sniffs* I do NOT!

Haldir: Nice hair.

Legolas: Thanks. You, too.

Gimli: Oh, brother.

Aragorn: Excuse me, could you direct us to the creepy elf-witch lady?

Haldir: Nope.

Aragorn: Excuse me?

Haldir: Nope.

Aragorn: But – but we have to!

Sam: It's really important!

Haldir: *raises an eyebrow*

Frodo: Really!

Haldir: …okay. Follow me. You know, this place has been dubbed "The Heart of Elvendome on Earth" by tourists.

Frodo: Hey! You let TOURISTS through here and you wouldn't let US!

Haldir: Goldenwood Insurance Policy.

Frodo: Oh.

_*They travel up flets and see Galadriel and Celeborn come down*_

Galadriel: *sucks in her breath and tries to look as stiff, cool, and mysterious as possible* Greeeee…. *can't talk due to holding-of-breath*

Celeborn: (Seeing that Gandalf is not with the others, and not being smart enough to guess that the wizard may have met some misfortune on the way, decides to ask about the wizard's whereabouts.) Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.

_*The company stares blankly at him for a moment*_

Pippin: *bursts into tears*

Boromir: Whoa, you need some caffeine, dude.

Galadriel: He has fallen.

Celeborn: Ouch. Sorry about that. Is he okay?

Frodo: I – I can't. You tell him, Legolas. *flaps his hand in the direction of the still-waiting-and-still-apparently-oblivious Celeborn*

Legolas: *blinks at Celeborn* He died.

Galadriel: *to Celeborn* See! I told you so!

Aragorn: Yeah, it was, like, really sad.

Gimli: Except I now owe _him _eight hundred peanuts.

Aragorn: There _is_ that…

Galadriel: You have much to fear.

Celeborn: Your enemies are strong.

Galadriel: Fail and die!

Celeborn: You have only a 1 percent chance of success!

Galadriel: You will never make it!

Celeborn: You leave first thing tomorrow morning!

_*later that night*_

Frodo: *sees Galadriel passing, gets up, and follows her as she goes to her 'special spot'*

Galadriel: *fills jug, then turns around* Well, since you followed me, go ahead and take a look. *dumps water into basin*

Frodo: Uh… why would I want to look into a bird bath?

Galadriel: It's a mirror.

Frodo: Oh. Mirror, mirror, on the –

Galadriel: NOT - *takes deep breath* Not that kind of mirror.

Frodo: My bad. Sorry. *looks deep into the pool* Um… all I see is a picture of a guy brushing his teeth…

Galadriel: *sighs* Commercials.

Frodo: *nods and looks back into the pool, only to fall back screeching* Oh my GOODNESS!

Galadriel: What you saw is what will pass if you should fail on your quest.

Frodo: *opens his mouth as if to say something, then looks terrified* WHAT!

Galadriel: Yes. *looks solemnly at the hobbit, still flat on his back in the grass*

Frodo: Oh, _gross._

Galadriel: Okay, what was it? I couldn't see. Tell me!

Frodo: It was Gimli in his swim trunks!

Galadriel: *recoils in horror* OH! Now you MUST succeed, Frodo! You've GOT to destroy the ring to spare us all!

Frodo: I WILL! I mean, saving Middle-earth isn't that much of a biggie. But I'll do ANYTHING to save us from THAT. By the way, I have a present for you! *holds out a small, suspiciously-shaped-like-a-ring package*

Galadriel: Why thank you, Frodo! *opens it and instantly turns into a giantess with thunder and lightning coming out of nowhere * IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! HAHA! I – wait…

Frodo: You're green.

Galadriel: *sighs and hands the ring back to Frodo* Here, I don't want it. I just got an A plus on my lighting and sound effects test.

Frodo: You're telling me.

Galadriel: Yeah, now I can go home.

Frodo: Um… *scratches head*

Galadriel: It's complicated. Take the ring. Go to Mount Doom, destroy it, and live happily ever after, etcetera etcetera. Oh, and by the way, Boromir's going to try and take your ring.

Frodo: Uh, rrrrriiight. Okay. Good to know.

_*the next morning*_

Galadriel: *walks to Aragorn* We probably won't see each other again, Aragorn, but if I was a little younger…

Celeborn: *clears throat*

Galadriel: …and human, I'd love to have you for a son.

Celeborn: *solemnly* Make us proud, boy.

Aragorn: Thanks, guys. That means a lot to me.

Galadriel: *moves on to Legolas* Here's a bow and quiver and arrows, Legolas. Trust in them and they won't easily miss. And skill doesn't hurt, either.

Legolas: *bows deeply and rises* Thank you, O Queen of the Golden Wood Lothlorien, I shall never forget the great honor you have bestowed upon me. May dandruff never plague your golden head.

Galadriel: You're welcome. *moves on to the hobbits and gives Sam, Pippin, and Merry each a knife*

Merry: _WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE! YOU KEEP GIVING PIP_ SHARP THINGS!

Pippin: *indignantly* Hey!

Sam: Hey! I got a dagger! Nice and shiny and -

Galadriel: WHOOPS! *snatches knife from Sam* Here you go. *plops a bunch of dirt into Sam's hand*

Sam: Dirt?

Galadriel: Special dirt!

Sam: Oh. Thank you. *sniffs and mutters* I DID like the dagger.

Galadriel: *looks at Gimli* Here. *hands him three strands of her hair* There you go.

Gimli: Hair? HAIR! Well, _that is just_ **lovely.** And here are some of my toenail clippings. May you cherish them forever.

Galadriel: *blinks, taken aback, as Celeborn tries to stifle a giggle and the hobbits burst into gales of hysterical laughter* *finally, Galadriel moves on to Frodo* Here.

Frodo: Chanel No. 5?

Galadriel: NO! That's the light of Velveeta, our most beloved star!

Frodo: Explain just how you managed to bottle light.

Gimli: Hah! It's snake oil, Frodo. She's a cheapskate. After all, she gave me _hair. _

*_as Galadriel waves farewell, looking somewhat put out at the way her 'gifts' were received*_

Pippin: Hey, she forgot you, Boromir!

Boromir: HEY! She DID! Well, at least we all got elven cloaks.

Merry: Yeah. Goodie. It's like giving someone a coat for Christmas.

Legolas: Let's all sing a boating song!

Aragorn: GOOD IDEA! Row, row, row the boat(s), gently down the stream…

Boromir: *under breath* Once the Ring of Doom is mine, I'll only need a queen!

**A few hours later…**

Aragorn: Coming up on your left and right you'll see two statues!

Pippin: …ooh!

Aragorn: Yes, very ooh!

*two minutes later they pass two lawn gnomes placed strategically on either side of the river*

Aragorn: *sighs happily* Long have I desired to look upon the faces of my ancestors.

Boromir: Well, *draws sword* if you really want to, I'd be happy to oblige!

Aragorn: *paddles faster*

_*two hours later*_

Pippin: Uh… guys?

Everyone Else: *oblivious*

Pippin: Water! Moving fast! GUYS!

Everyone Else: *oblivious*

Pippin: AAAAAHHH! WATERFALL!

_*They climb out of the boats and get on land due to Pippin's screams*_

Sam: Whew! That woulda ended the Fellowship right there, wouldn't it, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: *glares*

Legolas: *looks around, then moves over to Aragorn: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Aragorn: About what?

Legolas: This place. It gives me the creeps.

Aragorn: Too bad, so sad. We'll be leaving soon, anyway.

Pippin: *suddenly* Hey, where's Frodo?

Merry: And where's Boromir?

_*Everyone looks at everyone else and says "Uh-oh."*_

Boromir: *sees Frodo* Hey! You shouldn't be wandering around all by your lonesome in such a hostile, forbidden-looking place!

Frodo: Pardon?

Boromir: Don't go off by yourself.

Frodo: Oh. Sorry.

Boromir: Can I have the ring?

Frodo: No.

Boromir: PLEEEASE?

Frodo: No!

Boromir: Pretty please with a mushroom on top?

Frodo: *wavers* well… NO!

Boromir: AAWWW, MAAAN! *throws giant temper tantrum*

Frodo: *runs off so as to avoid flying wood chips*

Boromir: *two seconds later* Whew, glad to get that off my chest. Hey, Frodo! Where'd you go!

_*Uruk-Hai suddenly surround everyone everywhere*_

Boromir: Merry! Pippin! I'll save you!

Lurtz: *shoots him*

Boromir: Okay, maybe I won't.

Lurtz: Hey, this is fun! *shoots Boromir again*

Boromir: Y'know, one would have been enough.

Lurtz: Me like this bow! *shoots Boromir yet again*

Boromir: Okay! You want me to die! FINE! I'll DIE! *falls over*

Lurtz: Hahaha! Me like new toy! *is just in time to have his arm cut off, be run through the middle, and get decapitated by Aragorn, who is just a little ticked off at the moment*

_*Aragorn and Boromir say their last words and Boromir dies*_

*_Legolas and Gimli walk into clearing*_

Legolas: Oh, look! He's dead. That's a shame.

Aragorn: *looks up* For Pete's sake, Legolas. You could at least have the decency not to look like you're trying to throw up.

Gimli: *chortles*

Legolas: *sniffs*

Gimli: Hey! Where's Frodo? And Sam! And Merry? And Pippin!

Aragorn: *groans* Great. The Uruks took Merry and Pippin, and Frodo and Sam ran off to Mount Doom to destroy the ring.

Legolas: I vote we go after Merry and Pippin.

Gimli: Me, too.

Aragorn: Good decision. Let's go Hobbit Hunting!

Legolas: *blinks* I thought we wanted to _save _Merry and Pippin.

Aragorn: I mean Orc Hunting.

Gimli: They're Uruks. Not Orcs.

Aragorn: Whatever. To infinity – and beyond!


	2. Chapter 2

**The True Tale of the ****Lord of the Rings**** Part 2: The Two Towers**

Brought to light by

Mirriam Neal

**Note:** I do not own any characters, places, etc. And if you have no sense of humor, don't read it because it will only be wasting a good three minutes of your time.

**Scene One: Chasing the hobbits**

Aragorn: *struggles to look cool as he limps along*

Legolas: *looks good and knows it, but is slightly worried about his hair getting windburned*

Gimli: *struggling to run and chew bubblegum at the same time*

***they have been doing this for quite some time***

Aragorn: There it is! I see it!

Legolas: Oh, yes! Praise Eru! We've found it!

Gimli: OUCH! OUCH! SIDE STITCH! OUCH!

Aragorn: Oh, drag him along! We've got to reach it in time!

Legolas: *grabs Gimli's beard and hauls him towards their destination*

Gimli: Not the b – AAAUUooooh! YOU MADE ME SWALLOW MY GUM, LEGOLAS, YOU TWIT!

***gasping, panting, exhausted – the three reach their goal and run inside the Riddermark Starbucks***

Aragorn: YES! We made it before closing time!

Barista: *looking bored* Welcome to Riddermark Starbucks can I take your orders please.

Aragorn: I'd like a venti triple-shot hot caramel mocha with extra whip, thanks.

Legolas: *after perusing the Skinny options* I'd like a tall peppermint mocha with low-fat milk.

Barista: Sure thing. And you? *looks at Gimli*

Gimli: MALT BEER!

Barista: *to Aragorn* That'll be sixty-five eighty.

Aragorn: That's highway robbery!

Barista: *shrugs* Deal with it. It's more expensive in Mordor.

Aragorn: Er, Legolas? *tries to look as innocent as possible* I don't have any money with me.

Legolas: *rolls eyes* Good grief, Aragorn, when are you going to remember to take your wallet with you when you go chasing after kidnapped hobbits?

Aragorn: *properly shamed* Goheno nin, mellon-nin.

Legolas: Whatever.

***soon afterwards they run out of the Starbucks, refreshed, rejuvenated, and hyped up on sugar and coffee***

Aragorn: DUDE! I feel GOOD!

Legolas: WWWWHHHEEEEEthatwassomuchfunI'dneverhadcoffeebeforeandnowI -squirrel! SOUNDOF MUUUSSIIIIICCCCCandIfeel-heylookacliffIcanFLLYYYY!

Gimli: *staggers over and grabs Legolas's hair before the elf jumps off a cliff* No, you *hic* can't, you ninny! _I _can! *lets Legolas go and runs off the edge of the cliff*

Aragorn: HEY, that looks like FUN! ME NEXT! *jumps off after Gimli*

Legolas: MENEXTMENEXTMENEXT *jumps off after Aragorn and crashes to the ground exactly three feet below*

Gimli: *from the bottom of the pile* Ow…

**Scene Two: Caradhras**

Gandalf: *waves staff* Before I finish you off, answer me this – if we were falling _down, _how did we end up on top of the mountain?

Balrog: Maybe we were falling up? (Note: Balrogs are big, but not very bright.)

Gandalf: Right, then. I feel somewhat like Alice in Wonderland. "Please, ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"

Balrog: Uh… you talkin' to me?

Gandalf: …no.

Balrog: We got out of character.

Gandalf: Right… *quickly pulls script out to check lines* Uh, Fie, you foul beast!

Balrog: …fie?

Gandalf: It's in the script.

Balrog: That's insulting.

Gandalf: Oh, just chill.

Balrog: *blinks*

Gandalf: Oh… right…

***The battle ensues, until the Balrog is dead and Gandalf topples over in a faint***

**Scene 3: Emyn Muil**

Frodo: Sam, if and before we die, there is something I must confess.

Sam: I KNEW IT! YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!

Frodo: *blinks* Her?

Sam: She's already got a fella!

Frodo: *blinks* Fella!

Sam: So if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, _forget it! _

Frodo: My her has a him?

Sam: YES!

Frodo: Well, shucks, that's a first. I have a her who has a him and I don't even know who her is!

Sam: You weren't talking about Rosie Cotton?

Frodo: NO! I was going to tell you that I… I wear contacts.

Sam: So? I've got an uncle that wears glasses.

Frodo: No, Sam… they're blue.

Sam: Well, then, we must cheer them up!

Frodo: AUGH! NO! My eyes aren't really blue, they're BROWN!

Sam: Well, there goes your one good feature…

Frodo: *pulls out the ring and stares at it*

Sam: Mr. Frodo! I just heard a noise!

Frodo: That's Gollum.

Sam: Huh? Who?

Frodo: Oh, didn't I tell you? Yeah, he's been following us pretty much since we set out.

Sam: Thanks for telling me. Let's ask each other questions while we sit out here wondering what to do!

Frodo: Sure. Shoot.

Sam: Would you rather be here, or in the fire swamp with R. O. U. S. 's?

Frodo: Rodents of unusual size? I don't believe they exist. *is immediately bowled over by Gollum*

Gollum: THE PRECIOUOSSSS! I WANTSSS IT!

Frodo! HEY, HEY! FINDERS KEEPERS!

Sam: GET OFF HIM, YOU LITTLE FLEABAG! *does a Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Gollum, who falls backwards off of Frodo*

Frodo: Wow! That was AWESOME, Sam!

Sam: Thanks! I still have some trouble with the mind-meld, though.

Gollum: *cough cough* Ouch. That hurt.

Frodo: Hey! You're not supposed to talk like that!

Gollum: Bronchitis.

Sam: Dirty little sneaker.

Gollum: Oh, yeah? You have NO room to talk, fat boy. Haven't you ever heard of quick weight loss?

Sam: YOU LEAVE MY WEIGHT OUT OF THIS! *whips out sword and lunges for Gollum*

Frodo: HEY! *grabs Sam* I want to keep him as a pet. He can lead us to the black gate!

Gollum: Sure can.

Frodo: Good! Sam, tie him up.

Sam: *grabs rope and ties Gollum*

Frodo: Make it as tight as you like.

Gollum: Ooomph!

Sam: You've been watching the Princess Bride again, haven't you, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Why is that? Do you think?

Sam: I don't know, it just came over me.

Gollum: *bursts into screeching wails*

Sam: What on earth's wrong NOW!

Frodo: Are the ropes too tight, poor Gollum?

Gollum: NO it's just the boohoohooo Princess Bride had such a waaaaah happy *hic* ending! *sniff*

Frodo: *looks at Sam*

Sam: *looks at Frodo*

Frodo: Well, then! Let's be off to the black gate!

**Scene Four: Running with the Uruk-hai**

Lead Uruk: *stops and sniffs* Man flesh!

Pippin: *thinking* _If they can smell him from a mile away, it's got to be Aragorn! _*bites leaf brooch off his cloak and drops it on the ground*

**Scene Five: Elvish Eyes**

Aragorn: *suddenly quits running and falls flat on top of a rock*

Gimli: What is Aragorn DOING!

Legolas: He is listening… listening to the ground…

Gimli: Oh, great, THAT'S all we need. A ROCK whisperer!

Aragorn: *jumps up* They have quickened their pace! They must have caught our scent.

Legolas: _Your _scent, you mean, Aragorn.

Aragorn: My scent, whatever.

Legolas: I shall go running over to that ledge and see what there is to be seen with my keen elvish eyes!

Aragorn: Um… go ahead, whatever cooks your noodle, I guess…

Legolas: I see them!

Gimli: *growls something about having 20/20 vision*

Legolas: They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! To Isengard! The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! Th- oh. Sorry.

Gimli: Catchy.

***the three run on after the Uruk-hai, who are desperately trying to escape Aragorn's scent***

**Scene Six: Maggoty Bread**

***the hobbits are unceremoniously dumped on the ground while the Uruk-hai and orcs take a breather***

Pippin: Merry! Guess what? We're safe! I dropped my leaf!

Merry: Uh… wha-?

Pippin: My brooch! I dropped it so Aragorn'll find it!

Merry: Um, Pippin, if he's already following us, and he knows the Uruk-hai have us, then he doesn't need a leaf to tell him where we are.

Pippin: Drat.

Lead Uruk: We ain't had nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinking days!

Orc: Awww, it's not that bad.

Lead Uruk: Oh, no? My bread just BLINKED at me!

Orc: *mutters under breath*

Uruk: What'd you just say?

Orc: I said 'grow up, you brainless whiner!'

Uruk: HA! YOU grow up, you overweight skinny little worm!

Pippin: Merry, how can you be overweight and sk-

Merry: Shhhh! My team's winning! I'm voting Uruk-hai.

Orc: Your mother wore army boots!

Uruk: WHY YOU LITTLE –

Orc 2: Hey – you didn't even HAVE a mother! Ha! Ha! Ha!

***without further ado, the Uruk proceeds to chop them both up***

Uruk: MEAT'S BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS AND GIRLS!

Pippin: GIRLS!

Merry: Never mind that, let's get out of here while we have a chance!

***they wriggle out of their ropes and run into Fangorn***

Pippin: Hey, Merry, look at this tree!

Merry: *rolls eyes* We'll be seeing a lot more of those, Pippin…

Tree: Hey! Lawn ornaments! *picks them up and walks off with them* A present for the White Wizard!

Merry and Pippin: Oh, great.

**Scene Seven: Riders of Rohan**

Aragorn: Hey, look! Riders, cresting the hill! *watches as they get closer*

Gimli: Wonder if they've seen the hobbits?

Aragorn: I dunno… something doesn't seem right about them. But I'll give it a try. *waits until the riders _pass _them just to be rude, then calls out* Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?

***the riders wheel around and head back***

Lead Rider: We're not from Rohan.

Aragorn: Oh. That's what was wrong.

Lead Rider: This is the Fangirls United Club! Hand over the elf, and nobody gets hurt!

Gimli: Take him! My treat.

***from somewhere in the back comes a squeal - "Oooh! It's GIMLI!***

Lead Rider: *turns around with a withering look at the redheaded Gimli fan before turning back around to face Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli* Just the elf.

Aragorn: You can't have him! He's MINE!

Lead Rider: *blinks*

Legolas: You might want to fix the way that came across, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Whoops! I mean, he's _travelling _with me.

Lead Rider: Well… if you won't give him up, we could take both of you.

Aragorn: Forget it. Sorry, Leggie, looks like you're on your own.

Legolas: Of all the ungrateful –

Gimli: Look! More riders!

***the new riders scare the Fangirls United Club away***

Gimli: Let's hope these ones aren't from the Boy Scouts.

Aragorn: It was an honest mistake, okay? The all had long, flowing blond hair. *watches as riders approach* Right. We'll try this again. Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark? You 'are' from the Mark, am I correct?

Lead Rider: Well, well, if it isn't the three stooges. *dismounts* What are you doing here?

Gimli: Have you seen two hobbits?

Eomer: What's a hobbit?

Gimli: A Halfling?

Eomer: Nope.

Gimli: Shire folk?

Eomer: Nope, sorry.

Gimli: Wow, thanks for being so helpful. Glad we asked you.

Eomer: Look, I'm a little stressed today. I got banished from Rohan before I even had my coffee. And by my own uncle!

Aragorn: *pitying look* Well, there's a Starbucks about twenty miles back.

Eomer: Thanks. And sorry about the hobbits.

Aragorn: Have you seen any Uruk-hai?

Eomer: Oh, yeah, we killed a bunch last night.

Legolas: _ALL OF THEM!_

Eomer: Yup.

Gimli: Talk about an anticlimax…

Eomer: Yeah, well, you can look for them, but we were all in a bad mood so we burned them all beyond recognition. And put a few of their heads on spikes.

Aragorn: Drat.

Eomer: I'm sorry. Here, have some horses.

Legolas: Why, thank you!

Eomer: May you fare better than their late riders.

Aragorn: Oh, that's too bad. What happened to them?

Eomer: They got bucked off. Well, see you guys around! *gallops off along with the other loyal men of Rohan*

Aragorn: *looks at horses, then at Legolas* You first.

***a little while later they come upon a very large heap of dead Uruk-hai***

Aragorn: Hey, look at this! I wonder if this is the pile that horse guy was talking about?

Gimli: Let's go look!

***the three run over to the mini-mountain***

Legolas: No hobbits.

Aragorn: *kicks Uruk-hai head* AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Legolas: Was that really necessary?

Aragorn: I BROKE MY TOE, YOU TWIT!

Legolas: Ouch.

Gimli: You wanna play some soccer? *kicks head around*

Aragorn: I would, if not for my broken toe…

Legolas: Hey, why were the Uruk-hai wearing elven belts?

Aragorn: I don't care. My foot hurts.

Gimli: Hey! The hobbits!

Aragorn: Oh, right. Well, let me see, from staring at the ground I can tell that there were a bunch of horses that are from the Mark – you can tell by their shoeing – and then there was a fight between the Uruk-hai and orcs – who never get along – and one of them was wearing aftershave, and then there were two very small orcs over here who were tied up for some reason, but untied themselves and walked right into Fangorn. *smiles, pleased with himself*

Legolas: Perhaps that was Merry and Pippin!

Aragorn: Worth a shot. Let's head into Fangorn, grab the hobbits, and get out.

Legolas: I like it. Simple – easy to remember.

Gimli: Hold it – how do I know this won't lead us to our deaths?

Aragorn: You don't.

Gimli: I'm sticking with Legolas.

Aragorn: But you can mistrust me less than you can mistrust him. Trust me.

Gimli: Well, when you put it that way, I'd follow you to the ends of the earth! The middle one, anyway.

***they plunge into Fangorn***

**Scene Eight: The White Wizard**

Treebeard: *drops an exhausted-looking Merry and Pippin in front of Gandalf* Here you go, Gandy!

Gandalf: Hobbits! My friends! Did you miss me?

Merry: *staggers around before tripping over his own feet*

Pippin: *falls backwards*

Gandalf: Er, Treebeard, what exactly did you do to them?

Treebeard: Basically I talked their ears off for hours.

Gandalf: Yep, that'll do it! Take them to your house and babysit them for a while, would you? I need to wait for some guests I'm expecting.

Treebeard: Sure. *picks up fainted hobbits and walks away*

**Scene Nine: The Dead Marshes **

Frodo: Hey, why are there dead people in the water?

Gollum: The water's got this preservative stuff in it. Just don't go into the water and you'll be fine.

Frodo: *jumps into the water*

Gollum: ARGH! *drags Frodo out*

Sam: *jumps in front of Frodo* Mr. Frodo! Are you all right?

Frodo: I saw things.

Sam: Did you see dead people?

Frodo: Um, yeah?

Sam: Oh, right.

Gollum: Come ON, hobbits!

***Very early the next morning. Frodo and Gollum are sitting up, awake, because Sam's snoring is keeping them up.***

Frodo: Your name was Smeagol once, wasn't it?

Gollum: No, it wasn't.

Frodo: Yes, it was! It says so in the book! *pulls out his copy of the Fellowship*

Gollum: Well, it lies.

Frodo: Oh.

Gollum: Three guesses.

Frodo: Deagol?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: Alfred?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: Brad Pitt?

Gollum: Nope. Smeagol.

Frodo: *groans*

***wraith screeches, soaring overhead on a flying black worm***

Gollum: NAZGUL!

Frodo: That's Faramir's line.

Gollum: Sorry.

Frodo: Oooh, my leeeggg!

Sam: *jumps up and hauls Frodo into hiding* Sheesh, Frodo, there is such a thing as staying out of sight, you know.

Frodo: But my leg!

Sam: Oh. Right. The stab. Forgot all about it.

Frodo: Some friend you are…

***they make it to the Black Gate***

Gollum: Well, here we are, hobbits! The Black Gate!

Frodo: It's gray.

Gollum: Black sounds… blacker.

Sam: He's got a point, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Hey, look, down there! The gate's opening! People are pouring in! Where on earth did they come from?

Sam: Those two down there look like girls! They ARE girls! Hey, they're CUTE, too! *leans too far over the edge and falls*

Frodo: Looks like it's just you and me, Smeagol!

Gollum: He's still alive, you know.

Frodo: Oh. *falls after Sam, kicking up MORE dust so that the two girls will probably see it*

Sam: Help, Mr. Frodo, I'm buried in gravel!

Frodo: Just how exactly did you end up under all that?

Sam: I don't know, but I'm stuck!

Frodo: Looks like I'll have to leave you, Sam! The girls are approaching!

Sam: *bursts into sobs*

Frodo: SHUSH! Maybe they won't see us! *they remain perfectly still as the sisters approach*

Sister One: Hm.

Sister Two: Hm.

***they turn around and leave***

Frodo: *smacks forehead* I totally forgot! We're wearing Camo Cloaks! We could have just used those.

Sam: Just hurry, before the tide comes in!

Frodo: Tide?

**Scene Nine: Fangorn Forest**

Legolas: The trees talk here, you know. The elves started it, teaching them to talk…

Gimli: You need to get yourself a girl, mate.

Aragorn: Someone approaches! Shoot him before we have time to find out who he is!

Legolas: But, um, what if it's a girl?

Aragorn: Then we won't be responsible because we didn't know!

Gimli: A little cautious today, are we, Aragorn?

Aragorn: JUST SHOOT!

Legolas: Hey, what's the big idea! That jerk is SHINIER than me!

Aragorn: SHOOT!

Legolas: Thanks, Aragorn, I knew you'd understand.

Aragorn: NO, SHOOT HIM!

Legolas: OH! *fires. There is a groan and a dull thud*

Gimli: Uh… guys… that wasn't Saruman…

Aragorn: Oh, nuts. Quick! Hide the body!

Legolas: No time! Here comes someone else! *shoots and the arrow bounces back, hitting Aragorn in the foot*

Aragorn: OOOWWWWWW! *bounces up and down*

Legolas: Im maer, mellon-nin! Goheno nin!

Aragorn: This *bounce* is *jump* no *screech* time for *trot* elvish!

Legolas: I was just saying 'I'm sorry.'

Gimli: Uh… guys…

Aragorn: *looks up* Oh, hey, Gandalf!

Gandalf: Gandalf? Is that my name? I seem to have a touch of amnesia…

Legolas: That's too bad. If you just go to Walgreens they have a –

Aragorn: Can it, Leggie. Look, Gandalf, have you seen Merry and Pippin?

Gandalf: Yup. Don't worry, they're safe. Don't need you any more.

Aragorn: But that's the only reason we came!

Gandalf: Didn't anyone come to Fangorn because they missed me?

Aragorn: *not listening* How do you like those hobbits! Talk about ingratitude!

Gimli: Rude!

Legolas: Well, we might as well go to Edoras now, right?

Gimli: Yes! A good beer!

Legolas: A bath!

Aragorn: A doctor!

Gandalf: I'll come with you! I have to warn Theoden about the approaching doom.

Aragorn: Sounds good!

Gandalf: Wait! My horsie!

Legolas: Oh, good grief.

***they all wait while Gandalf whistles for Shadowfax, then they all limp off towards Edoras***

***meanwhile, at Edoras***

Eowyn: Well, my cousin is dead, my uncle's gone loony, my brother's been banished…

Hey, whaddya know, I'm next in line for the throne! No way! Oh, great, the mail's here! *runs out onto the ramparts* Oh, dear. Every day, it is the same… I wait, and I wait – but still no magazine… *sighs, then turns to go inside before seeing four people approaching*

Visitors! Yay! *runs inside*

Aragorn: What was that?

Gimli: What?

Aragorn: Up on the ramparts! A figure in white!

Gimli: Great. A banshee welcome committee.

Gandalf: *rolls eyes*

***a flag rips off the gate into Edoras and falls on top of Gimli***

Gimli: Hey! Who turned the lights out!

Legolas: *plucks flag off*

Gimli: Hey, why are people throwing blankets on me!

***they all ride into Edoras once the gate has been opened***

Gimli: This is a lively place.

Aragorn: *snorts* Ha! Ha! Ha! Lively place! Oh tee hee tee hee hahaha ho ho ho!

Gandalf: Do not look for welcome here.

***they soon reach the entrance to the palace***

Guard 1: Welcome!

Hama: Greetings, friends! I must ask you to remove all weapons, cameras, and little bottles of hair product. *looks pointedly at Legolas*

***everyone unloads. Legolas takes a lot longer than everyone else, for obvious reasons***

Hama: *to Gandalf* Your stick.

Gandalf: Staff.

Hama: Whatever. Hand it over.

Gandalf: I will not! *beats Hama over the head*

Hama: OUCH! OKAY, okay!

***they all walk in, see an extremely ugly man sitting next to an even worse-looking Theoden***

Legolas: So where's the King?

Aragorn: Here.

Legolas: The king of Rohan, you dope.

Gandalf: Um… that's him. Up there. Yikes, Theoden, you got old!

Grima: I told you to take the wizard's staff!

Hama: He's a wizard!

Gandalf: Yes! Okay, everyone, go to!

Gimli: Go to what?

Gandalf: Never mind. Théoden's been brainwashed by Saruman, you can see it in his eyes!

Gimli: They're closed.

Gandalf: I mean, his face! You can obviously tell he's been using the White Wizard Anti-wrinkle Cream.

Legolas: No, he isn't.

Gandalf: Huh?

Legolas: No, the White Wizard Anti-wrinkle Cream works. It really does.

***everyone looks at Legolas, who looks oblivious to everyone's stares***

Gandalf: Right, then! Everyone, just stay out of my way. Theoden?

Theoden: *grunt*

Gandalf: That's better! Nice to see you looking so well!

Theoden: *grunt*

Gandalf: Um… how are you?

Theoden: *grunt*

Gandalf: Well, then, I see you really _are _around the bend! Theoden, I release you from the spell!

***everyone waits. Nothing happens.**

Gandalf: This dratted stick! For pity's sake, Theoden, snap out of it! *whacks Theoden over the head with his staff*

Theoden: Who? What? Where? When? Why? Huh?

Aragorn: *to Legolas* The five questions. Very scholarly. Who, what, when, where, and huh.

Legolas: Six.

Aragorn: Huh?

Legolas: That's six. Who, what, where, when, why, and huh.

Aragorn: It's not really the number so much as the essence of the thing. It's –

Theoden: Where's my boy?

Eowyn: *walks in* He's dead. I - *sees Aragorn* Hal-o, handsome! Who gave you that necklace? It _was _given to you, right? I mean, you didn't go buy, it, did you? Where are you from? Are you married? You don't talk much, do you, fella?

Aragorn: *out of the corner of his mouth* She, uh, doesn't see many guys?

Gandalf: Whatever gave you that idea?

Aragorn: *plasters smile onto face* Hi there! Um, she's gone.

Eowyn: Hey, great! I mean - *flutters eyelashes coyly* How unfortunate!

Aragorn: No, not really.

Legolas: *elbows Aragorn*

Aragorn: I mean, ahem, yes, yes it is unfortunate. But I'm holding up.

Theoden: Well, if Theodred's dead, where's Eomer?

Eowyn: Oh, Grima banished him.

Theoden: And I shall banish Grima! Get out of here! *hands him a pink slip* You're fired!

Grima: But I have only ever served you well! *sees the expression on everyone's faces and leaves hastily*

Gandalf: And now, Theoden, you've got to get to Helm's deep because bunches of Uruk-hai are headed towards Edoras bent on killing everyone!

Theoden: Oh, I don't know, are you sure?

Gandalf: Pretty sure.

Theoden: Well, all right, then. Everyone, pack up and move out!

Aragorn: That was fast.

Theoden: Yes, well, I like to get things done.

***soon everyone is packing for Helm's Deep***

Eowyn: *swishes sword around, accidentally hacking a random man's arm off*

Man: AAAAAAGH! MY ARM!

Eowyn: Oh, just walk it off, you big baby!

Aragorn: *walks up behind* You have some sk – hang on a sec. *pulls out script* Yep, that's what it says. You have some skill with a blade.

Eowyn: Ask me what I fear.

Aragorn: Uh, my lady, we just met. I don't know you well enough to ask you that kind of question.

Eowyn: Just ask it!

Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?

Eowyn: A cage!

Aragorn: …a cage?

Eowyn: YES! When I was little Theoden locked me in a cage and forgot the keys but did he lock the BOYS up! Noooooo!

Aragorn: Uh… right… think I'll go the stable and check on Gandalf…

***Aragorn makes his way to the stables and finds Gandalf mounting Shadowfax***

Gandalf: Well, I'm outta here!

Aragorn: But you can't just _leave!_

Gandalf: Can, and am.

Aragorn: But – uh, when will you be back?

Gandalf: In a few days. Keep a look out. I'll probably come from the east. Maybe dawn or something.

Aragorn: Good. Glad I got the specifics. *watches as Gandalf flees the scene* Coward.

**Scene Ten: Back in Fangorn Forest**

Merry: So Gandalf's alive. That's cool.

Pippin: Yeah, I guess.

Treebeard: We lost the entwives.

Merry and Pippin: ….

**Scene Eleven: Helm's Deep **

Legolas: I smell something.

Gimli: *nodding in Aragorn's direction* Him?

Legolas: No. Aragorn, I smell something!

Aragorn: *nodding in Gimli's direction* Him?

Legolas: No. It smells like Orc and warg. But that's ridiculous, because why would Saruman want to attack hundreds of defenseless people who just happen to be his enemies?

Aragorn: I don't know, haha!

***they all continue walking until a scream sounds from the back***

Legolas: Oops, I was wrong.

***soon all of the brave warriors – twelve, to be exact – battle with the wargs and their riders while the rest of the people hurry to Helm's Deep. The battle is over within a few minutes.***

Aragorn: WOOHOOO! We won, we won, yeah-huh, we won – wha – whoaaaah! *falls backwards off the cliff*

Legolas: Oh no! Look! *runs over* Aragorn!

Gimli: Huh.

Legolas: Look! The Evenstar! I wonder how he lost it?

Gimli: Could have been the happy-dance-and-falling-off-the-cliff bit.

***soon everyone gets to Helm's Deep***

Eowyn: *comes running up* So few! So few of you have returned!

Theoden: Yeah. Eleven. We only left with twelve, dearest.

Eowyn: Uh, where's the cute guy?

Legolas: I'm right here!

Eowyn: Well, I meant Aragorn, but you'll do! Do you like movies?

***Aragorn is not dead, merely floating down a stream. He swims out, finds a wild horse and breaks it within five minutes and flees back to Helm's Deep***

Aragorn: *bursts in* I'm back!

Everyone Else: *oblivious*

Aragorn: HEY! I'M BACK!

Everyone Else: *oblivious*

Aragorn: Oh, never mind. *sees Eowyn with Legolas* Hey!

Legolas: Um, hi, Aragorn! Man, you look terrible. I mean, really, really bad. Plus, you're, like, really late.

Aragorn: …thanks.

Legolas: Oh, I found this. *hands him the Evenstar*

Aragorn: Thanks. You give me my necklace and take my girl, is that it?

Eowyn: We thought you were dead, so hey…

Legolas: You can have her back.

Eowyn: *pouts and walks off muttering about not being wanted by anyone, then turns around and comes running back up to Aragorn* _Your _girl?

Theoden: Move all the useless people into the caves. I want every young lad abducted from the arms of their weeping mothers and made ready for WAR!

***Later. Everyone able to fight – and lots that aren't actually able – are preparing***

Legolas: These people are a bunch of scaredy-cats. You can see it in their eyes.

Aragorn: Maybe so, but I'm going to stand alongside them!

Legolas: *sniffs* Go ahead! See if I care! *walks out*

Aragorn: *wonders what that was all about, then sees a boy with a sword* Hey, gimme that.

Boy: *runs over* Here!

Aragorn: What's your name?

Boy: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Aragorn: I'm not a stranger, I'm Aragorn.

Boy: Oh, okay! It's Hollith, son of Hama.

Aragorn: *studies sword* Well, Hollith…

Hollith: Yes?

Aragorn: This is an awful sword. I mean, really and truly terrible. I couldn't even use one of those. *hands it back* Well, good luck! *walks off, leaving Hollith to despair*

***soon everyone is on the ramparts, in the rain, watching the approaching forces***

Old Man: *to Hollith* Listen, son, when they start firing, scream like a girl and hit the ground. I'll do the same.

Hollith: Got it.

Legolas: *to Aragorn* By the way, sorry for arguing.

Aragorn: Oh, is that what that was? No problem.

Legolas: Yeah, just because we're going to die is no reason to despair! Hey, listen! A horn! *they run out and see two hundred suicidal elves approaching*

Aragorn: Haldir!

Haldir: Aragorn! We had nothing else to do tonight, so I thought we'd give you guys a hand.

Aragorn: Oh, thank goodness you did! Can I give you a hug?

Haldir: …no.

Aragorn: Oh, okay. *shakes his hand heartily* Have fun, thanks for coming!

***meanwhile, back on the ramparts***

Gimli: I'm funny because I'm short!

Legolas: I'm funny because I make fun of you being short!

***the Uruk-hai approach and stand motionless, apparently waiting to be fired at first***

Old Man: *shoots 'accidentally'* Oops!

***arrows immediately start whizzing over everyone's heads***

Old Man: AAAAAAAAHHH! *hits the ground*

Hollith: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! *hits the ground*

***the battle ensues***

**Half an hour later…**

Haldir: *to himself as he shoots Uruk-hai* So I said, 'Celeborn, there _are _no elves at Helm's Deep,' and he said 'Oh, go on, Haldir, it'll be fun! Besides, we've got to let these humans have the feeling that we haven't deserted them!' and I said 'haven't we?' and he said 'yes' but he said 'Just go, like I said, it'll be fun.' Fun? FUN! Does it look like I'm having FUN! I'm cold, I'm wet – next thing you know, I'll have an axe shoved in my back!

***an axe is shoved into Haldir's back***

Legolas: *thinking* Hah! Showed HIM! *hands axe back to Gimli* Thanks, Gimli!

Gimli: You're welcome! What'd you want it for?

Legolas: I was making sure I'm the only one with perfect hair.

Gimli: What!

Legolas: I mean, I had to kill an Uruk-hai!

***the battle continues to ensue. By this time, everyone has gotten slightly bored.***

Uruk-hai: So.

Aragorn: So.

Uruk-hai: You gonna kill me, or am I gonna kill you?

Aragorn: I dunno. We could flip for it.

Uruk-hai: I'm not that agile.

Aragorn: No, flip a coin.

Uruk-hai: Okay.

***coin flips. Aragorn wins.***

Aragorn: *sees something* Hey, Legolas! Shoot that guy! He's going to blow the wall!

Legolas: How!

Aragorn: He's carrying a Thermal Detonator!

Legolas: A Thermal Deto-WHAT!

Aragorn: JUST SHOOT HIM!

Legolas: Too late! *wall blows*

Aragorn: Oh, hey, I forgot! *turns to look to the east* And it's sundown. But who cares.

Legolas: Oh, look! It's Gandalf!

Aragorn: And his brave Eorlingas!

Legolas: …all sixteen of them, I see!

***Due to the stunning show of reinforcements, the good guys win. Nobody important dies. Except Haldir.* **

**Scene Twelve: Rivendell**

Elrond: Arwen, are you packed yet?

Arwen: I changed my mind. I'm not going.

Elrond: Again! Arwen, sweetheart, dear, will you please decide once and for all if you're going or staying!

Arwen: I have decided to wait for Aragorn.

Elrond: I have foreseen that he may dump you for a Shieldmaiden.

Arwen: Oh, daddy, what can I do!  
Elrond: Leave. Dump him. Break his heart.

Arwen: Oh, thank you, daddy, I'll leave right now! *leaves*

Elrond: That was easy. I didn't even have to make my depressing speech and break her heart!

**Scene Thirteen: Ithillien**

Frodo: Look! Look at that!

Sam: An oliphaunt! They'll never believe this at 'ome!

Frodo: That's' because you say you saw an oliphaunt every week!

Sam: But this time I have!

Frodo: Whatever… hey, Sam, are you sure we're not in Sherwood?

Sam: Positive. Why?

Frodo: I think I just saw Robin Hood.

***arrows start flying, killing the oliphaunt riders. Frodo and Sam jump up, don't notice Gollum has run off, and bump into someone in a green cloak. A man emerges from bushes muttering 'rob to the rich, give to the poor.'***

Faramir: What are these things?

Man: I don't know.

Frodo: We're hobbits.

Sam: Shire folk!

Frodo: Halflings!

Sam: The little people!

Faramir: ENOUGH! Hey, look, you have the Ring of Power! Come with me, you're my prisoners now.

Frodo: *groans* Not again…

***they are seated inside a cave, given alphabet blocks and juice boxes and left to play by themselves for a little while***

Faramir: *walks in* Did you know Boromir was dead?

Frodo: How did you know we knew Boromir?

Faramir: You're from the fellowship of the ring. I _do _have internet access at home, you know.

Sam: No, we didn't.

Faramir: Well, that's good. *leaves, then comes back* We've got to go to Osgiliath! Hurry up!

Sam: But I haven't finished my juice box!

***they are dragged to Osgiliath where they are suddenly attacked by Ringwraiths***

Faramir: AAAAAUUUUGGGH! WRAITHS on WINGS!

Frodo: That was Gollum's line.

Faramir: Yeah, well, he already said 'Nazgul.'

Sam: Oh.

Frodo: Hey, look! *runs up onto the wall as a Nazgul approaches* Here! Take the ring!

Sam: NO! *tackles Frodo and knocks him back* There's still good in this world, Frodo! Chocolate! It's worth fighting for!

Frodo: What are we fighting for, Sam?

Sam: I just told you. Chocolate.

Frodo: No, I need a pep talk!

Sam: Oh. *clears throat* A-HEM! To be, or not to be, that is the question… whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…

Faramir: *appears five minutes later*

Sam: With this regard their currents turn away, and lose the name of action. Soft you now! The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember'd…

Faramir: Come on, Osgiliath's a lost cause, we've got to go!

***they hurriedly retreat back to the cave***

Faramir: Hey, we forgot the annoying CGI guy! *runs to Frodo* Hey, come here, I want to show you something.

Frodo: Okay! *follows him* What?

Faramir: *points down into the water* To enter the Forbidden Swimming Pool bears the penalty of death. Shall I shoot?

Frodo: Why is it Forbidden?

Faramir: Because I said so. Now who is that?

Frodo: That's Gollum. He's with us. He's our guide.

Faramir: Oh. *waves hand to men* Capture him. Then beat him up a little bit until he talks to himself. It's a gas.

Men: Yes, sir.

***an hour later, Faramir goes to see Frodo and Sam***

Faramir: I've decided you can go.

Frodo: Hey, thanks! Uh… with the ring, right?

Faramir: Of course. I have decided to be noble.

Sam: Beginner's luck.

Frodo: *elbows Sam, smiles at Faramir and runs out before he could change his mind*

Faramir: *grabs Gollum* Where are you leading them?

Gollum: The secret stair, why?

Faramir: Well, I'm not going to stop you, but be careful.

Gollum: Sure. Yeah. No worries.

**Scene Fourteen: End Scene **

Gandalf: Well, that's over.

Aragorn: Yeah, your robes didn't even get dirty.

Gandalf: Oxiclean.

Aragorn: Hey, wait a second, is _that _why you're Gandalf the White?

Gandalf: Yeah. What's it to you?

Aragorn: *shrugs* Nothing!

Gandalf: *looks towards Mordor* All our hopes now rest with two little hobbits.

Aragorn: We're doomed.

**The End**


	3. Chapter 3

**The True Tale of the ****Lord of the Rings **

**Part Three: The Return of the King**

Brought to Light by Mirriam Neal

Note: If you have no sense of humor, don't read, and blah, blah, blah, and I don't own the characters, places, and blah, blah, blah. Enjoy.

**Scene One: Fangorn**

Merry: You know, Pippin…

Pippin: What, Merry?

Merry: Seems to me we ought to be doing something for the war effort.

Pippin: We could buy bonds!

Merry: No… but Isengard's pretty close. We could take care of it with the ent's help.

Pippin: *pulls script out of pocket* Hey, yeah, we were supposed to do that in the Two Towers!

Merry: I forgot. Come on; let's go see if the ents'll help us out!

***they call together a meeting of the ents that lasts for six hours***

**Later that Evening**

Merry: That went well!

Pippin: Yes. Too bad they all have arthritis or allergies or measles.

Merry: Well, we'll just have to trash Isengard ourselves!

Pippin: Yeah! …we will?

Merry: Let's see if Treebeard'll give us a lift.

Pippin: Who knows? Maybe Saruman will have cut down all the trees bordering Fangorn and he'll throw a hissy fit and help us after all!

***later***

Treebeard: *toting Merry and Pippin* Well, here we are! *stops and stares straight ahead*

Pippin: What? All the trees are still… um… here.

Merry: Yeah. *disappointed sigh*

Treebeard: *throws back head and makes a deafening noise*

***instantly (weird, considering 'instantly' isn't in any ent's vocabulary) ents start appearing***

Treebeard: What are you all doing here?

Ents: You just called us to come and march on Isengard and tear it apart!

Treebeard: Actually, it was just a sneeze, but okay.

***Merry and Pippin high-five each other and everyone pitches in to turn the 'quality establishment' into anything but. Half an hour later, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden and Eomer show up***

Gimli: Hey! What gives?

Aragorn: Yeah, what gives?

Pippin: We are sitting on a field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned iTunes.

Merry: *nods* Oh, and welcome to Isengard.

Aragorn: I like what you've done with the place. Let's go talk to Saruman.

***they ride over to the bottom of the tower***

Treebeard: He's locked in.

Eomer: But if he's a wizard, can't he just… unlock it?

Treebeard: Um… well, technically, yes, but movie-wise, no.

Eomer: Oh.

Gandalf: *waving towards the top of the tower* Hi!

Grima: What is it?

Gandalf: Just saying 'hi!'

Grima: We do not need your 'hi's.'

Gandalf: *opens mouth to speak*

Grima: Go away, you children of silly people! I blow my nose at you!

Gandalf: *opens mouth again*

Grima: Your relations are blueberries! You are all smelly-footed toads! Now go away before I taunt you a second time!

Gandalf: Just get Saruman!

Grima: *sniffs* Master!

Saruman: What is it, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Release Grima! He was once a man of Rohan!

Grima: I was?

Gandalf: Weren't you?

Grima: No, I was an illegal alien from Venezuela.

Gandalf: Oh. In that case, forget it!

Grima: *hurls a ball down, narrowly missing Gandalf's head* You make me mad! Go, get away from this place!

Saruman: GRIMA! My bowling ball was on the OTHER pedestal!

Pippin: Ooh, look! It's a giant marble! *picks Palantir up*

Gandalf: Give me that!

Pippin: Why? I saved it!

Gandalf: *snatches it away and hides it under his cloak. As if Pippin won't be able to find it.* Takers keepers, losers weepers.

Pippin: Waaaaaah!

Saruman: Hahahahaha – whoops! *trips and falls over the tower*

Legolas: I feel like shooting something. *shoots Grima*

Gandalf: *after a short pause* Well, all's well that ends well! Back to Edoras we go!

**Scene Two: Edoras **

Aragorn: *walks out onto ramparts and sees a cloaked figure* Ye gads, it's the Emperor!

Legolas: The stars are veiled. The breath of night reeks with garlic. Deceit weaves a web of caution about my eyelids.

Aragorn: Oh, it's you. And what on earth does 'the stars are veiled' mean?

Legolas: … 'the stars are veiled.'

Aragorn: *looks around* No, they're not.

Legolas: It's a figure of speech.

Aragorn: …meaning?

Legolas: Sauron's here. Well, not really, actually, just he's looking this way.

Aragorn: Then why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Legolas: Because metaphors are more fun?

Aragorn: *after a moment's silence* Boy, I hope Arwen doesn't do that. I'm going inside. *goes inside and checks to see if Eowyn's still watching the first season of 'Lost.'*

Eowyn: *SNORE*  
Aragorn: *thinks Eowyn's snoring too loudly, so pulls blanket over her face*

Eowyn: *grabs Aragorn's hand* I had a dream!

Aragorn: And I care about this, _why_?

Eowyn: Well, more like a nightmare, actually. I was standing on the beach, and there was a great wave coming towards me… I had my surfboard, but could only stand there, watching…

Aragorn: You missed 'the big one'?

Eowyn: *shudders dramatically* Yes!

Aragorn: Three cups of coffee before bed changes many thoughts. Go back to sleep.

Eowyn: *SNORE*

**In another room: **

Pippin: Merry! I'm going to have another look at the big marble!

Merry: Mmfwrnnxx.

Pippin: Okay, thanks! *runs over to Gandalf's bed* Hey, I thought the 'sleeping-with-your-eyes-open' thing was elvish!

Readers of the Book: Yeah, so did we.

Pippin: *takes Palantir and replaces it with a conveniently placed jug*

Palantir: Have you the wing? What's your name? Where do you live? Do you eat salted crabapples?

Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Merry: GANDALF GANDALF GANDALF!

Gandalf: *jumps out of bed* Fool of a Brandybuck! *whacks Merry with his staff, throwing him across the room*

Merry: *thud* Ow…

Pippin: !

Gandalf: Oh, I mean - Fool of a Took! *runs forward to snatch the Palantir from Pippin but is bowled over by Aragorn*

Aragorn: I'll save you, Pippin! *grabs Palantir* AAAAAH! HOT! HOT! HOT!

Gandalf: *takes it* GUYS!

Pippin: Sorry, Gandalf!

Gandalf: You disobeyed me! Now I must take you for a horseback ride!

Pippin: But I wanted to play Candyland!

Gandalf: No!

Pippin: Oh well. Where are we going?

Gandalf: Gondor! They're in mortal danger, anyway. Somebody should warn them.

Pippin: Can Merry come?

Gandalf: Do you want him to?

Pippin: Yes!

Gandalf: Then NO! Hah! Hah! Hah!

*they go to the stables and mount up*

Merry: *scurries in* Pippin! I have something for you! *hands Pippin a package wrapped in Plain Brown Paper* It's the last of the weed! Er, I mean, _pipe _weed! I know yours is already gone. You smoke too much, Pip.

Gandalf: Hi-yo, Shadowfax! Show us the meaning of speed!

Shadowfax: Haste.

Gandalf: *whacks Shadowfax with his staff*

Shadowfax: *gallops away*

**Scene Three: Rivendell**

Galadriel (over Mental IM): Hey, Elrond! What's up?

Elrond: Well, everyone's gone and things are kinda slow here.

Galadriel: Well, have I got news for you!

Elrond: Good! Glad tidings are most welcome!

Galadriel: Oh… uh, I was just going to tell you that Frodo's going to die. The quest will claim his life. But don't worry, nobody will miss him.

***meanwhile, on the road to the Gray Havens***

Arwen: Hey! Where'd that kid come from? *gasps, turns around, and gallops back to Rivendell*  
Elrond: *hears someone approaching* Gotta go!

Galadriel: TTFN! *hangs up*

Arwen: *runs in* Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Elrond: *muffled groan* Yes, dear? Back so soon?

Arwen: Daddy, you've been peeking into my future again!

Elrond: But what about dumping Aragorn?

Arwen: I have something that not even that blond hussy can give him!

Elrond: You already gave him the Evenstar, Arwen.

Arwen: But wouldn't he like a new sword?

Elrond: Where would you get one?

Arwen: Well… we could re-forge the old one out there and pretend it's a new one!

Elrond: Well, if you want, dear. Lucky for us the only elves left in Rivendell are the blacksmiths, huh?

**Scene Four: Gondor: **

Gandalf: We just passed into the realm of Gondor!

Pippin: I know! I just saw the Welcome sign!

***they reach Minas Tirith and are at the palace steps***

Gandalf: Okay, Pippin, there are a few things you have to know before we go inside. Number one, Denethor isn't king, he's just a steward. Number two, he's not as nice as Théoden, so keep your mouth shut.

Pippin: Got it.

Gandalf: And by the way, he doesn't know his son is dead.

***they enter palace***

Denethor: My son is dead.

Gandalf: So sorry about that.

Pippin: I feel like swearing lifelong fealty to someone! *runs over to Denethor* I swear lifelong fealty to you!

Denethor: Oh, goodie.

Gandalf: You've got to protect your city! Defend it!

Denethor: They haven't attacked yet.

Gandalf: Do it, _steward! _

Denethor: Don't you 'steward' me!

Gandalf: Steward! Steward! Steward!

Denethor: I've seen what you want to do! With your right hand you would use Gondor as a shield, and with your left hand you would supplant me with that smelly ranger from the North!

Gandalf: *to Pippin* Let's let him sulk for a few minutes. *walks out* Pippin, I need you to do something for me.

Pippin: Anything!

Gandalf: Climb up that fifty-foot tower and start a fire.

Pippin: Where?

Gandalf: On the wood, preferably.

Pippin: Why can't you light it with your magic?

Gandalf: Because it's not in the script!

Pippin: That hasn't bothered you so far.

Gandalf: Just do it! *whacks Pippin with staff*

Pippin: *zips up the tower, lights the fire, and climbs back down*

**Scene Five: Back at Edoras**

Aragorn: Hey, look! Fire! Yikes, looks like it's spreading! *runs to find Theoden* Theoden! Fire! Fire! We're in a wooden city! We have to evacuate!

Theoden: Fire?

Aragorn: On the mountain top!

Theoden: Oh, that means Gondor's calling for help.

Aragorn: …Oh, yeah, I mean, um, Gondor calls for aid! We must ride now!

Theoden: Everyone! We're going to war!

Everyone: What, again?

Eomer: Um, uncle, wouldn't it be a good idea to gather at Dunharrow first and, you know, gather troops?

Theoden: …Everyone! We're going to Dunharrow! THEN to war!

Eowyn: Ooh! I want to go! Me, me, me!

Theoden: You may have the privilege of accompanying us to Dunharrow!

Eowyn: Wow, thanks, uncle.

Merry: Hey, I want to come, too!

Theoden: Okay!

**Scene Six: Minas Tirith**

Pippin: Well, not that this hasn't been fun and all, I mean, Denethor's a great guy, but can we go now?

Gandalf: Nope, you swore lifelong service.

Pippin: Oh. *thinking desperately* But I just remembered a thing! A thing I have to do!

Gandalf: What thing?

Pippin: I left the curling iron plugged in!

**Scene Six: Minas Morgul**

Gollum: Come on, hobbits! We're at the secret stair!

Frodo: *blinks* That's the secret stair?

Gollum: Yup!

Frodo: It's right in plain sight!

Gollum: So?

Frodo: So doesn't that ruin the whole 'secret' thing?

Gollum: Um, no?

Frodo: Right. Hey, if it's secret, how come you know about it?

Gollum: I… um… they didn't tell me how to explain that.

Frodo: But –

Gollum: Just climb.

Sam: I'm afraid of heights.

Frodo: Oh, be a man, Sam!

Sam: *blinks* Is that a trick demand?

Frodo: *looking over towards the greenish-lights coming from the Witch-king's lair* Hey, ugly statues!

Gollum: They're the Guardians of Minas Morgul!

Frodo: Do they do anything?

Gollum: No.

Frodo: Oh.

Gollum: Just don't go near there, and we'll be fine.

Frodo: *starts running towards the doors*

Gollum: AAARGH!

Sam: FRODO!

Frodo: Must… ring… the doorbell…

***Gollum and Sam force Frodo back in the direction of the stairs***

Frodo: *turns around* Whoa! Look at that!

Sam: It's a… blue tornado!

Frodo: I shall look shocked and frightened even though I don't know what it is!

Sam: What exactly is its purpose?

Gollum: Um… I don't know, to look scary?

**Scene Seven: Osgiliath**

Faramir: Hey! The orcs have finally decided to attack! Retreat immediately!

(Everyone retreats. Nazgul see their snacks running away and chase after them. Suddenly Gandalf appears riding Shadowfax. For some reason he has Pippin with him.)

Gandalf: BEHOLD! MY SPOTLIGHT!

Nazgul: AAAH! The SPOTLIGHT! *fly away*

***Gandalf, Faramir, and the soldiers enter the city***

Faramir: There were too many of them! We had to leave!

Man #38: We're doooooomed!

Gandalf: Oh, shut up.

Faramir: *stares at Pippin*

Pippin: Staring is rude. *stares pointedly back at Faramir*

Gandalf: You're looking at Pippin! That must mean you've seen hobbits before!

Faramir: Actually, yes! I saw two of those things a couple days ago!

Gandalf: Yay!

Faramir: Yeah, they were headed for Cirith Ungol.

Gandalf: Drat.

**Scene Eight: The Stairs (again)**

Gollum: Bed time!

Sam: *looks over the edge* You're kidding.

Frodo: Just do it, Sam.

Sam: But what if I have a nightmare!

Frodo: Uh, what if?

Sam: I might fall out of bed!

Frodo: *looks over the edge* Yeah, that might be a problem.

Sam: *gulps*

Gollum: *hissing* Rock-a-bye hobbit, on the staircase, when the wind blows, you'll fall on your face…

Frodo: Oooh, how cute! He made up a song!

Sam: *glares*

**Later that night…**

Gollum: Heehee! *digs into Sam's pack and pulls out the few remaining chocolate bars. He proceeds to throw them down the stairs.*

Sam: *wakes up* Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Gollum: Nothing, nothing at all!

Sam: Oh. Okay. *falls back asleep*

**Next Morning**

Sam: Aauugh! The chocolate bars!

Frodo: What about them?

Sam: They're gone!

Frodo: WHAT? NO!

Gollum: *whistles*

Sam: Gollum took them!

Gollum: Don't be silly. I hate chocolate.

Sam: Everybody loves chocolate!

Gollum: Okay, okay, but still, I didn't take them!

Frodo: I believe you, Smeagol!

Gollum: I'm going to say that Sam did and you'll believe me because you're stupid! HE took them!

Frodo: Sam! How could you?

Sam: But –

Frodo: We're not friends any more! Go away!

Sam: But you –

Frodo: Shoo! *takes Gollum's hand and walks up the stairs*

People who read the book: …HUH!

**Scene Nine: Minas Tirith (again)**

(Denethor, Faramir, Pippin, and some other guys are in the Citadel.)

Pippin: I swear lifelong fealty to you, Denethor, until I die or you take it back.

Denethor: Excellent! Your job is to stand there and be cute while I send my son off to die. Son?

Faramir: Yeah, dad?

Denethor: Go die.

Faramir: You wish now that our places had been exchanged… that I had died and Boromir had lived!

Denethor: I just said that, yes.

Faramir: Then I go to my death! But if I should return, think better of me, father!

Denethor: That will depend on the manner of your return, Drama Queen.

Faramir: While I'm thinking about it, how do you want me to die?

Denethor: I don't know, go re-take Osgiliath or something. And take half the soldiers we'll be needing in a few hours with you.

***Faramir leaves***

Denethor: Now, Pippin, your job is to watch me eat.

Pippin: Doesn't sound so bad.

Denethor: You wouldn't think, would you? *piles a plate full of grapes, tomatoes, and chicken. Pippin soon realizes just what he's gotten himself into.* Do you sing?

Pippin: Well, I for one never boast, but my friends say I have quite the talent.

Denethor: Then sing something!

Pippin: *thinks, then begins* You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies…

***Faramir and the other soldiers charge towards Osgiliath (again)***

Pippin: I'd like to make myself belieeeve that planet earth turns sloooowly…

***Faramir attacks Osgiliath and is immediately shot with two arrows***

Pippin: Leave my door open, just a crack, 'cuz I feel like such an insomniac (please, take me away from here!)

**Meanwhile, Theoden, Aragorn, Eomer, Eowyn, Merry, and some Eorlingas are pitched at Dunharrow while waiting for more troops to arrive. It is nightfall.***

Random Man # 987: *shakes Aragorn awake*

Aragorn: *whips sword out and gives man a neat haircut* WHAT!

Random Man # 987: The king wants you!

Aragorn: *walks into Théoden's tent* You called?  
Theoden: You have a visitor. *leaves*

Aragorn: Hi, Elrond!

Elrond: Drat. Need to work on my disguises. Anyway, here's a sword. It's present from Arwen, to remind you of her love for you.

Aragorn: Er…

Elrond: Oh, and Arwen's dying. Her fate is now tied to the ring.

Aragorn: Pfffft. No it isn't. She has no connection to the ring at all! That's ridiculous. That makes no sense.

Elrond: No, it really doesn't. It's just the way the movie's written, okay? Gotta run. Oh, by the way, that sword will give you a free pass through the door under the mountain where all the dead guys live. They might come in handy in a battle.

Aragorn: Er…

Elrond: Just a thought. *leaves*

Aragorn: *heads out* Well, might as well give it a shot.

Legolas: Never fear, the elf and dwarf are here! *they march right through the camp so everyone can see them deserting and send a wave of doubt and fear through the camp*

Eowyn: *runs up* Aragorn!

Aragorn: Oh, hi, Ellen!

Eowyn: Eowyn.

Aragorn: Right. What do you want?

Eowyn: You can't leave! There are people here who would fight for you! People who love you!

Aragorn: Somewhere along the way right there you started speaking for yourself.

Eowyn: Okay, fine. I love you!

Aragorn: Look, Erin –

Eowyn: Eowyn.

Aragorn: Look, Eowyn, one day you'll meet a really nice guy with blue eyes and brown hair and a flair for drama and fall madly in love with him –

Eowyn: But it's not you, huh?

Aragorn: Right.

Eowyn: But you can't go in _there_! You'll never survive!

Aragorn: Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has! *goes blithely into the mist*

Merry: *runs up* What! They left me behind AGAIN!

Eowyn: Yup. Come on, let's get you some armor. *she gets Merry outfitted with armor and a blunt sword.*

Eomer: Do you think that's a good idea, getting him all excited? Battles are ugly affairs.

Eowyn: Do you mean to tell me that he's not the cutest picture of bravery and heroism you've ever seen in your entire life?

Eomer: *blinks* Oh…yeah. Sure he is. *looks at Merry with a thumbs-up* You rock, little dude!

Gamling: Why do they leave on the eve of battle?

Theoden: They're cowards.

Gamling: They leave because there is no hope!

Theoden: Nope, there isn't. But we're going to fight anyway!

**Scene Ten: Cirith Ungol**

Sam: *sniffs* You made a promise, Samwise Gamgee, "don't eat all the chocolate!" and I haven't! OH! *sees chocolate bars* Drat. Now I've got to go all the way back up.

**Meanwhile, in the Creepy Cave**

Frodo: *looks in at all the skulls, femurs, and vertebrae lying around*

Narrator: If only there'd been some sort of a sign… a warning… anything.

Gollum: *disappears*

Frodo: *gets caught in a giant spider web* Hey, does this mean a giant spider lives here?

Shelob: *hiss*

Arachnophobes in Audience: *faint*

Frodo: AAAH! *he scrambles out of the web, then Frodo being Frodo, he runs, falls over something, runs, falls over something else, runs and trips, runs and trips until he sees the Exit sign and runs out. And then falls again.*

Gollum: AAH! *tackles Frodo*

Frodo: Hey! *starts strangling Gollum*

Gollum: Hey! Remember what Gandalf said! You're supposed to pity me!

Frodo: RIGHT. Like THAT'S worked out real well. *throws Gollum into bottomless chasm, then, naturally, falls down*

Galadriel: Frodo, get up. Don't be such a wuss.

Frodo: Hey, how did you get here?

Galadriel: *jerks Frodo to his feet and disappears*

Frodo: Yikes! *gets stung by Shelob with a stab that would fell a wild boar*

Sam: *runs up waving the light of Ëarendil, which Frodo didn't actually need to be able to tell there was a giant spider following him, and waves it at Shelob* I'll kill you! *pricks her in the stomach and sends her scurrying* Frodo! You're dead! *hears orcs coming and hides*

Orc Number 1: *shuffles down the stairs*

Orc Number 2: *does the same*

Orc Number 3: *does what the other two are doing*

Orc Number 4: *ditto*

Sam: Hey! I thought this was a SECRET stair!

Orc 1: Old Shelob got another one! Let's take him to the clubhouse!

Orc 2: But isn't he… um… dead? Not that that ever stopped us before.

Orc 1: He's not dead.

Sam: *gasp*

Orc 1: Any complete pea-brain could see _that. _

Sam: *indignantly* Hey!

Orc 1: Come on; let's take him to the clubhouse.

Orc 2: And go through his pockets looking for loose change!

Sam: *sneaks off after them*

**Scene Eleven: Minas Tirith**

Pippin: Hey, what's that sound?

Gandalf: That's just the sound of Faramir being dragged into the city by his horse.

Pippin: Oh.

Denethor: *runs out, sobbing dramatically* My son! My line has ended! My son! My line has ended! My son! My line has ended! *drags Faramir away*

Gandalf: Well, that was taken care of. Now! Battle strategies, anyone?

Pippin: Hey! We could throw rocks!

Gandalf: Right. Next you'll be saying we should get gryphons to drop them from the sky, I suppose?

Pippin: We don't have to! The city has built-in sling shots!

Gandalf: Lead me to them! *they go off to see if the sling shots actually work*

**Scene Twelve: Paths of the Dead **

Legolas: *reading the inscription on the door* The way is shut. You cannot go in. The way is shut.

Aragorn: Well, let's go in! *walks in*

Legolas: Exactly what I said! *walks in after Aragorn, closely followed by Gimli*

Gimli: Hey! My feet are crunching!

Aragorn: Do we have to get a news flash every time your body does something?

Legolas: He's doing it for adventure. Just ignore him.

Gimli: No, guys, really! Ouch! Sharp!

Aragorn: *rolls eyes* Right. Hell-OOO? Any service here? *looks around*

Legolas: Aragorn?

Aragorn: HELLO! GUESTS HERE!

Legolas: *tugs Aragorn's sleeve* Aragorn?

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: There are skulls on the floor.

Aragorn: Don't be ridiculous, Legolas. You're paid to say corny lines and look pretty. Don't overdo it.

Legolas: *raises arms* Okay, then!

Dead Guy #1: Hhoooaaaahhh!

Gimli: *screams like a girl and jumps into Legolas's arms*

Legolas: *screams like a girl and drops Gimli*

Aragorn: *screams like a girl, then remembers his free pass* Hey! I have the sword! *holds it up* Come and fight for me!

Dead Guy #1: Don't be silly. Who'd want to leave all of this?

Gimli: Me, for one!

Aragorn: But you have a chance to fight for me! A chance for a moment of honor and glory!

Dead Guy #1: I like those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Legolas: Hey, that sounded oddly familiar…

Dead Guy #1: No, I think we'll just kill you. Any last words?

Aragorn: SWORD! I HAVE THE SWORD! *holds it up*

Dead Guy #1: So what? You could have stolen it!

Aragorn: *somewhat deflated* Oh… I hadn't thought about that.

Dead Guy #1: No, you didn't. Now, good-bye!

Aragorn: Well, let's go, guys.

***They leave the mountain and see the corsair ships attacking***

Gimli: Hey! They didn't try to drown us with skulls! That's my favorite part of the movie!

Aragorn: *staring at ships* Aawwww!

Dead Guy #1: *appears* Changed our minds!

Dead People: We fight! Mwahahahahahaa!

Aragorn: Oh, good! Your first job! *points to corsair ships* No, wait. We'll give them a chance. Hey, you!

Ship Captain: Yeah?

Aragorn: Turn around and leave!

Ship Captain: Why?

Aragorn: Cuz I said so!

Ship Captain: Oh. Okay.

Gimli: Hey! Get back here! You're not supposed to leave!

Ship Captain: We're corsairs! We're late, we're cowards…

Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning shot.

Legolas: *put out at not being able to actually shot someone, whispers* Gimli! Would you 'accidentally-on-purpose' whack my bow so I hit the guy?

Gimli: Sure! *obeys*

Aragorn: HEY!

Legolas: Oops! Sorry! *they attack the boats* Seems to me I've been on a ship full of ghosts before…

**Scene Twelve: Minas Tirith. The war has begun.**

**Score**

**Mordor: 1,265**

**Gondor: 965**

**People Gandalf has whacked with his Staff: 7,249**

Gandalf: The first level is breached! Everyone, retreat to the second level!

***three minutes later***

Gandalf: The second level is breached! Everyone, retreat to the third level!

***three minutes later***

Gandalf: The third level is breached! Everyone, retreat to the fourth level!

***three minutes later***

Gandalf: How many more levels are there!

Pippin: *sees Denethor running ahead of a bunch of guys carrying Faramir on a stretcher* Where are you going?

Denethor: *as he reaches the crypt* We go to our deaths. We shall burn.

Pippin: Oh, don't say that! You might go up, after all!

Denethor: *blinks* Go away. *slams door in Pippin's face*

Pippin: Hey! Aren't you forgetting something?

Denethor: Oh, yeah. I release you from my service, go and die however you want, and all that jazz.

Pippin: I'm gonna tell Gandalf on you!

Denethor: *to the Mindless Idiots now placing Faramir by the pyre* Bring wood and gasoline! Quick, quick!

Pippin: *runs to find Gandalf* Gandalf! Has anyone seen Gandalf?

Random Man # 698: Oh, yes, elderly chap, gray beard, pointy hat!

Pippin: Yeah, that's him!

Random Man #698: Never seen him!

Pippin: …oh, there he is! Gandalf!

Gandalf: *in the middle of whacking another unfortunate soul with his staff*

Pippin: GANDALF!

Gandalf: *now surrounded by twelve men* I'm kind of busy, Pip!

Pippin: *runs all twelve guys through* Come on! Denethor's committing suicide!

Gandalf: Who cares? Aragorn's troubles are over!

Pippin: But he's killing Faramir, too!

Gandalf: Oh. Let's go! *runs after Pippin* Oh, hey, look who it is! The Witch King of Angmar!

Pippin: Who?

Gandalf: You've never met him.

Pippin: What's his name?

Gandalf: Andromeliusdandifodrine, the first.

Pippin: And the last, with a name like that!

Gandalf: Hey, Dandi!

Andromeliusdandifodrine: DON'T CALL ME THAT! *breaks Gandalf's staff*

Gandalf: HEY!

Pippin: Let's get out of here!

***Pippin leads Gandalf to Crypt.***

Gandalf: Denethor, you nincompoop, what do you think you're doing!

Denethor: Drenching myself and my son in gasoline, what else?

Gandalf: Do not do this thing!

Denethor: *lights a match* Hahaha! Try and stop me!

Gandalf: No, really, do not do this thing!

Denethor: The last time I looked, Denethor, not Gandalf the Grey, was steward of Gondor! *drops burnt-out match and lights another*

Pippin: He's got a point.

Denethor: *to match* Come on, baby, light my fire…

Faramir: Uh… dad… I'm not dead yet…

Denethor: You stay out of this! *lights the pyre*

Gandalf: *seizes the chance to rid himself of Pippin and throws him onto the pyre*

Pippin: Hey! Meanie! *shoves Faramir off the pyre*

Gandalf: *Seeing there is a shortage of magic staffs, grabs spear from one of the Mindless Idiots and whacks Denethor with it*

Denethor: *falls backwards onto the pyre and immediately bursts into flame* Preeetttyy….

Gandalf: *blinks*

Pippin: Denethor's a pyromaniac!

Denethor: *realizes that fire is actually _hot_* OUCH! *runs to his death*

**Meanwhile, on the Battlefield, Theoden and the Eorlingas have appeared.**

**Theoden gives them all a rousing and redundant little speech (Ride on… ride on… Daaaaaaah, Daaaaaah, Daaaaaah, etc.) and then gets out of the way so they can go into battle.**

Witch-King: *attacks Theoden*

Theoden: No, wait, Kings can't die! It's my MEN who are supposed to die!

Eowyn: I am no man! I'll save you! *stands in front of the Witch-King*

Witch-King: Oh, get out of the way, will you?

Eowyn: No! *hacks head off the Fell Beast*

Witch-King: Was that really necessary? *picks up giant mace and chain*

Eowyn: *freezes* Something tells me I'm dead…

Merry: I'll save you, Eowyn! *stabs the Witch-King in the leg* Take THAT!

Witch-King: Ouch! *bats Merry away*

Eowyn: Um… I am no man!

Witch-King: What? I didn't say you were! And didn't you already say that?

Eowyn: Oh, forget it. *takes off helmet and stabs the Witch-King in the face*

Witch-King: Killed by a girl! I'll never hear the end of this! *disintegrates*

Eowyn: Uncle! *runs over*

Theoden: Eowyn! I told you that you could only come as far as Dunharrow!

Eowyn: I disobeyed! Here, sign the will saying I'm your heir!

Theoden: I already told you to rule in my stead!

Eowyn: But now it'll be official! Please!

Theoden: My body is broken!

Eowyn: But your fingers aren't! SIGN IT!

Theoden: Oh, the pain, the pain…

Eowyn: JUST SIGN THE WILL!

Theoden: You have to let me go…

Eowyn: I will! Just as soon as you sign the bloody WILL!

Theoden: Eowyn!

Eowyn: What?

Theoden: Eowyn!

Eowyn: WHAT!

Theoden: *dies*

Eowyn: AAAAAGH! *beats Théoden's dead body with unsigned will*

**Meanwhile, up in the thirteenth level of the city (all the others have been breached) **

Pippin: Gandalf, what is death like?

Gandalf: How should I know?

Pippin: You've died before.

Gandalf: Oh, yeah. It's great. White shores and broken glass and all.

**Meanwhile, at the Docks**

*The Dead People, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli show up in the pirate ships. The dead people attack everyone and win, and the battle is over within five minutes.*

Aragorn: You guys can go now! Thanks a lot!

**Later**

Pippin: Merry! There you are!

Merry: Hi, Pippin!

Pippin: Ding-dong, the Witch-king's dead!

Merry: Which old Witch-King?

Pippin: *stops singing* There was more than one?

**Meanwhile, in the Citadel**

Gandalf: Well, Frodo's probably pretty close to Doom now, wouldn't you say?

Aragorn: _Mount _Doom.

Gandalf: Oh, yeah, I mean _mount _Doom.

Aragorn: Yup. I've been thinking –

Gimli: Beginner's luck.

Aragorn: *glares* Anyway, we should get all those thousands of orcs out of Mordor. It'll be a lot safer for Frodo and Sam that way.

Gandalf: You've got a point. Any suggestions?

Legolas: A diversion!

Aragorn: How about taunting him until he gives in?

Legolas: A diversion!

Gandalf: It's worth a shot! Use my Palantir!

Legolas: A di-VERSION!

Gandalf: Uh, right, Legolas, thanks…

**Five Minutes Later**

Aragorn: *picks up Palantir* Hey, Sauron! Show your face! Oh, wait, hahah, you HAVE no face! Hahaha! See this sword? I got a FREE PASS through the Door under the Mountain! Bet YOU never got anything like that!

Sauron: Grrr! Well, I've got a frightening picture for you! *shows Arwen*

Aragorn: AAAAAH! NIGHTMARE!

Sauron: Ha! Score one!

Aragorn: I'm gonna be waiting at the Black Gate for ya, man! Meet me there! *runs off*

**Mordor**

*The Orcs and Uruk-hai have conveniently killed each other. Sam runs in to save Frodo.*

Frodo: Sam, my friend, remind me to enroll you in a First Aid class when we get back to the Shire. You really must learn to check for a pulse.

Sam: Sorry! Let's get you out of here and into some clothes!

***Instead of getting Frodo back his actual clothes, they both decide to change into something more comfortable – Orc armor. Then they head off into the heart of Mordor.***

Frodo: Oh, look at all those Orcs! Well, let's go home!

Sam: No, wait, look! They're all moving off!

Frodo: Drat. I can't go on, Sam! The ring is such a burden! I cannot go on! *stands looking miserably out at Mount doom*

Sam: It's okay, Mr. Frodo! *shoves Frodo down the hill* Let's just get down the hill for starters!

***five minutes later***

Frodo: My heart is filled with hopelessness… a great black void opens beneath my feet… My eyes grow dim and cloudy…

Sam: Just keep moving, Mr. Frodo.

***five minutes later***

Frodo: This ring… it takes the breath right out of me… it has left a hole where my heart should be…

Sam: You've got to fight just to make it through – that ring will be the death of you! This will all be over soon!

Frodo: Pour salt into the open wound… is it over yet? Let me in…

Sam: So sacrifice yourself, and - *snaps out of it* That's it, Mr. Frodo, no more listening to Breaking Benjamin for you!

**Meanwhile, at the Black Gate (all their horses have magically disappeared.) **

Aragorn: Let the lord of the Black Lands come forth!

Gandalf: He can't.

Aragorn: Huh?

Gandalf: Um, Aragorn, he's a big eye. He's rather _attached_ to his tower.

Aragorn: Oh, yeah.

Mouth of Sauron: *walks out of the gate*

Aragorn: WHOA! That dude is UGLY!

Mouth of Sauron: Frodo died a very slow and painful death. Hah.

Aragorn: Whu – bu – um, he's the whole reason we CAME here!

Gandalf: Oh, well, there's nothing we can do now! Go on; give the guys a pep talk.

Aragorn: Just a second. *kills the Mouth of Sauron* There, I feel better now. Okay, men! There may come a day when you leave the ones you love and forsake all bonds of fellowship, when you turn around and bug out of here, but it is not this day!

Random Man #187: For ME it is! *turns around and runs off*

Aragorn: HEY! Where do you think you're GOING!

***orcs start pouring out of the black gates***

Aragorn: *turns around and faces everyone*

Everyone: *stares blankly at Aragorn*

Aragorn: LET'S SOAK 'EM FOR FRODO!

***everyone charges the orcs***

**Meanwhile, at Mount Doom**

Sam: Do you remember stuff, Frodo?

Frodo: No!

Sam: That's too bad.

Gollum: AAAAH! GIVE ME THE PRECIOUS!

Frodo: YOU'RE DEAD!

Gollum: Since when has falling over the edge of a cliff hurt anybody!

Sam: *clobbers Gollum on the head with a rock*

Frodo: *starts climbing* I can almost seeeeee it, that dream I'm dreaaaaming, but there's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it…" Every step I'm taaaaking, every move I make feels lost with no directioooooon, my faith is shaaaakiiinng…. But I gotta keep tryyyying, gotta keep my head held hiiiigh…. There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it mooooove, always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna have to loose… ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other *gulp* siiiiide, it's the cliiiimb…

Sam: Actually, Mr. Frodo, it's throwing the ring into the fire that counts.

Frodo: Just sing, Sam, just sing… *runs to the edge of the platform that drops down into the hot lava*

Sam: Just throw it in!

Frodo: Change of plans – I'm going to keep it and rule the world! *sticks the finger on*

Sam: MR. FRODO, HOW COULD YOU!

Frodo: *from somewhere* Easy! Hahaha!

Gollum: NO! *tackles … the… um, air… and bites Frodo's finger off and takes the ring* IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE!

Frodo: AAAUGH! That was my favorite finger, you twit! *shoves Gollum into Mount Doom*

Sam: Yay! The world is saved!

Frodo: Quick, let's climb out onto this rock and wait for the hot lava to slowly rise around us and engulf us!

Sam: Good idea! *they run up and perch on the rock*

Frodo: Sam?

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: I remember stuff now!

Sam: Yeah. I wish we had some strawberries.

Frodo: And water.

Sam: Yeah, water'd be nice, too. Oh, well. *they both pass out*

**An indefinite amount of time later…**

Frodo: *sits up* Hey! It was all just a bad dream! What do you know!

Gandalf: No, it wasn't.

Frodo: Oh. *looks nervously at hand* AAAH! The finger!

Gandalf: It's still gone.

Frodo: Drat. Hey, did you know that every time I pass out and wake up in Rivendell, _you're _there? It's a little creepy.

*Merry and Pippin run in* Frodo!

Frodo: Merry! Pippin! Gimli! And Legolas! Aragorn! Are there many more of you? Oh – Sam! Can I have a drink now?

**Scene Fifteen: The Coronation**

Aragorn: Thank you, my minion – er, I mean, faithful, loyal subjects!

Arwen: *appears* Aragorn! Hey! *grins widely*

Aragorn: Oh, uh – um… haha! Yeah! Come here, you! *kisses Arwen while the other elves to smile and look as if the sight doesn't make them want to throw up*

Faramir: If only I could find a single, beautiful noblewoman. *sigh*

Eowyn: If only I could find a single, cute nobleman. *sigh*

**Scene Fourteen: The Gray Havens**

Galadriel: The age of elves is over. The age of men has begun.

Elrond: *tries not to groan* Yes! Hey, Galadriel, I thought you said Frodo was going to die.

Galadriel: I did?

Elrond: "The quest will claim his life, but it's okay, he knows it…" ring a bell?

Galadriel: Oh… um… *hurriedly gets aboard the ship*

Pippin: How come men can't go to the Gray Havens?

Elrond: What, and ruin the pristine beauty there! Are you mad!

Pippin: Um… it just seems selfish…

Elrond: NO! NEVER shall anyone but an ELF enter the Gray Havens! Come on, Bilbo.

Gandalf: Wait for me! Come on, Frodo!

Frodo: Uh, oh, yeah! *turns around and gives everyone a hug* Oh, here, Sam, have a book!

Gandalf: I will not say 'do not weep,' for not all tears are an evil.

Merry: We're not crying.

Gandalf: *hits the hobbits with his staff, they start crying* Much better. Come on, Frodo!

***they sail away to the Gray Havens leaving a weeping audience***

Sam: *walks back home to his wife, Rosie Cotton, and his children* Well… he's gone!

Rosie: Finally!

Sam: Now we get the house! *they walk inside and live happily ever after*

The End


End file.
